Lost No More

I wonder.........did anyone think that I dropped off from the face of the earth?
Maybe....just dropped out of the Bae sisterhood at least??
No, sorry to ruin your day :) no such luck.
Yet.

Or...maybe, someone thought that my maternal instincts got the best of me and drove me to fly off to Seoul to attend to our ailing and emotionally-drained YJ?
Sorry - no such luck either.

The last thing I want to do is to turn this into a page full of excuses, since I, for one, would be the first to run the other way when people start to dwelve into never-ending explanations for their inadequacies. Still, I feel the need to explain, but stop me (or feel free to stop reading) when you start to sense that I am whining. And sorry, I'm afraid this post is mostly about me.....

Core to my problems over the last 2 weeks was a battle with this strange eye/vision ailment - these mysterious spells alternating between the dry, stinging and the wet, teary, intermingled with hours on end of peri-orbital inflammation that compromised my vision and made my eyes swell so intensely that I could have easily won an audition for Mr. Kermit's face double. The diagnoses ran the full gamut, but after a lot of nervous waiting and not too little dark sunglasses shopping, I'm happy to find out that the process of elimination seems to have left some of the scary, systemic dieases out, at least for now. Believe me, I was seriously worried there for a while - you know, maybe age and other friends' sensational stories and mishaps are finally getting the best of me - I'm turning into one of those paranoid freaks who thinks she's gonna die every time the doctor frowns. Good thing I am really much better now, should any kind-hearted sis worry. But when there is no exact cause, it's just - la dee dum - waiting, waiting and waiting for time to heal me, all the while following this conservative medical regimen, including "eye rest" whatever that means. Screen time in front of the computer really had to be rationned out well.

Which brings me to another point....have I mentioned that I work alot? An outrageous amount of very erratic hours averaging over 6 to 6 1/2 days a week, come rain or shine, most holidays not withstanding. Complaining? Not really. I'm so crazy I'm trying my darnest to vy for this other post to add to my things to do. And just signed up for lecture series. And my cert exam is next month. Does the word "cyclo -mania" come to mind? Yep, that's me alright. I pull these crazy stunts in cycles then come crashing down for a few months before I get energized to climb all over again. Haha - maybe that's the real reason why the medical personnel frown at me. Really not the best of timing to develop mysterious eye conditions.

Come to think of it, I still haven't gotten that haircut I'd been meaning to get to for weeks, and my mane is seriously matching our YJ's inch-for-inch lately. (Maybe subliminally, it's :) intentional?? Or maybe eyes are suffering from the hair poking at it :) ?? ) With everything on delicate balance, all the pieces in my life fit just perfectly without a gap to spare, and sometimes, even I am impressed by the beauty of how I get away with it. Caught in the common trap of most working women, I zip around trying to reach some vague, intangible goal daily, but for me, it's ok because I do feel proudly accomplished and productive at the end of the day and have always believed in using what nature has granted us to the fullest extent. But when life's twists and turns befall upon me or when the natural cycles of life result in an upswing in my word load, there is suddenly none, zap, zero time to spare and something just had to give. And since a good part of my work requires computer screen time, I really could not "afford" to peek too much into the net for other guilty pleasures.

Know what else?

Through this process, I, unexpectedly got a good glimpse of what my life would be after BYJ, a process that we all know is inevitable sooner or later, but something I was too afraid to let myself imagine all along. I guess the timing is just right for me to scale back a bit, seeing how every good sisters' stomaches have been tied in painful knots after the GQ article. I don't know if it is good or bad, but this process of disassociation was not as traumatic as I thought it'd be. And the more disconnected I was, the more I felt I didn't need to pour over the lastest news at the first possible moment. By golly, I think I have been cured to an extent, for I was really overboard there for a while. Not that my admiration for him is any less - far from it. But it's some kind of rite of passage for many fans, I think, to reach a certain apex of overindulgence, and having the one critical event or at least development of the sense that at some point, one needs to reach a certain balance. And I think I will become a more mature supporter and be all the more better for it. And even though it was only 2 weeks, I was delighted to find out that a few good friends I've met through this family never gave up on me in my absence - we continued to have much to chat about, BYJ or not, on "net" or not. Yes, I know now........these are afterall relationships that will stand the test of time and troubles. That realization mades me smile and smile often, even through such a rough patch in my life. Yes, I guess that's the magic of BYJ working again. And that's the everlasting beauty and legacy of BYJ, at least in terms of what he means to me.

Were there times I tried to blog anyway? Yes, actually. On paper. You should see the drafts...... Funny, I would start and never finish.

Not being up to date on the news and happenings, and not being able to feed off everyone's energy, it was a pointless endeavor. This blogger community may not have been around a long while, but through the absence, I realized what an amazingly and powerfully synergistic role it serves for me. It's really a well-balanced and sensible arena to bounce thoughts, impressions and opinions off each other. It's extra nice that most of you aren't the so-called extremist fans and tend to have quite a reasonable approach to most issues, Most importantly, you've been open-minded enough to able to give each other enough leeway for the necessary differences in approach we all have. So here I salute you all - writers and visitors alike.

So, with calories wasted worrying over myself, with the bridge to BYJ temporarily interrupted, try as I may, but at some point, I finally ran out of Energy. Time. Things to share.

It's bound to happen. I'm first to admit that I'm no champion blogger, but after about XXX odd posts, I also finally ran out of words for a while. At least temporarily. At times, I feel like I have gotten everything off my chest finally.

You know, for someone who is naturally wordy and chatty, I thought blogging was easy. I mean, I thought that blogging frequently was easy. On the contrary... In fact, along the way I have developed silent respect for all you naturally gifted writers who can sit in front of the pc and have "words just flow to (you)" as bb once put it. And one thing I didn't want to do is to repost pictures over and over again, mighty gorgeous as they may be. I mean I do my fair share of "ooo" and "aaaahhs", but I am not naturally an expressly "o & a" person, so how long can that be sustained? Living a hemisphere away, with no language prowess to decipher and communicate "must-know, must-read" information from other sites, no special pass at insider's information, etc., blogging from way out here usually means blogging in the very true sense...... a journal of my own feelings, thoughts, opinions, and experiences. Boring, huh? :)
And sometimes, even the most reactionary, opinionated person in the word will just hit a roadblock (or writer's block), that's all.

For those who have stuck with me, I feel fortunate and forever thankful for the encouragement that goes along with the visits here, but honestly am puzzled trying to understand why anyone reads these pages here at all.

So, lately, I've come to wonder often as some of you have voiced before - whether it's better to just hide back into the obscurity of the underground. Why not be a simple, happy fan, sweeping in and out quietly as I please? A few sis have been curious about and asked me before why I chose not to post certain share-worthy items or even my travel blog to some of the larger forums. I've never given much of an answer before, but the truth is, some prior incidents not worth rehashing have me running seriously gun-shy. Sticking your neck out there, so to speak, can bring with it a whole cascade of problems, as I've found out the hard way. Why publish your opinion for all out there to be seen and judge? I hope no one gets offended by my brutally honest and probably non-popular opinon here, but I can't change who I am. To me, it seems that the diversity of the sisterhood and the often diverging opinions will guarantee that at some point, someone will disagree with you and worse yet, intentionally or not, is bound to find fault with you. Or even an unintentional mistake or a misread of the meaning of a post will bring on more trouble than it is worth. I simply haven't been around long enough for anyone to give me the benefit of doubt, no matter how pure my intentions truly are. So what started as a clear and simple, pleasant "diversion" and "outlet" has also surprisingly brought a few unpleasantries, namely these behind the scenes rumblings - this has really been a little of a downer for me. Who knows? Maybe I have just been unlucky to make the acquaintance of a few super-opinionated sis who are constantly chirping about their displeasure at this or that which I have written.

Don't pay attention to them? Sorry, cannot. I just don't have that "let everything roll off my back" type of personality. But I know how to deal with it my own way.

So, does all this mean I am ready to chug it all?
Sorry, no such luck either :)

I am usually a very action-oriented person. The type that needs to actually see physical "worth" of what I am doing. This is gonna sound martyrish (not intended), but blogging for me (unlike other more informative sites) is not really serving any greater good for others so at times it's hard for me to rationalize this activity when there are many a soup-kitchens that need volunteers, so to speak. But looking past everything, this "home" still has brought more merits than not to my life. At the very least, it has been a relatively safe sanctuary where I can honestly express my feelings without having to play by anyone's rules. Here, I've also gotten the chance to hold meaningful exchanges of thoughts and opinions with some very cool sisters. And at the very most, I've met some very wonderful people that I respect and admire, and whom, when I look back years later, will stand out as the true gems of this whole experience.

So, the light is still on, for now...

"Screen time" is almost up, so.......for the umpteenth time, I must apologize about the rambling... I hope you didn't get bored in finding out more about el mio. I also hope you get the idea what a straight-arrow I am.

By the way, I guess I was wrong - I haven't gotten everything off my chest yet... :) Hee - it's also painfully clear that mania is a necessary disease in my life - if not for being super busy, I just get too much brain space to think and the result will invariably be one of these punishing kind of long-winded posts.

Anyway, I felt the need to explain somehow...we ought to do that for those we care about right? :) So barring any other exceptional disasters, now you know why I'll vanish from time to time or be suddenly posting less often. Gotta baby those eyes if I wanna continue to have good views of our man.

Now, where was I? Hmmm....nursing our YJ to health? Delightful thought......:) but in my thoughts is where it'll stay if we're all gonna uphold our promise to give him more space.

Signing off,
mishio the "frog"